One time I was working as a blacksmith in Scotland and I made this bitchin' sword out of horseshoe tacks to kill the man that stole my girlfriend and take her back to Cuba with me.
Anyways, I was driving my 4x4 Astrovan back from my shop out in the woods and I drove past this path that I had never seen before. I drove out there a few times a week, sleeping there every other night or so, and it was a 30 mile drive or so back to a paved road, but this was a big fork in the road that just wasn't there before. So I don't know what way to go, so I go right and am driving along a couple miles and I drive by a giant thistle. This thing was seven foot tall.
So I get out of my Astrovan and take my sword and snicker snack that thistle, then I tie it to the roof of my van. I'm figuring I can give it to some chick as a present, like I do with
Zkano socks (the model on their website is the most striking woman I've ever seen. I figure if I buy enough of their socks they'll tell me more about her other than that her name is "Hannah"). As I'm strapping the thistle down it starts to rain. I'm not cold because I'm wearing Zkano socks and thinking of Hannah the sock model, but I figure I better get back home so I still have time to finish sewing together some fishnets.
I definitely knew that I had never passed by a 7 foot tall thistle on the way home, so I figure I must've taken the wrong way at the fork and I start driving back. I make it 4.2 miles back when there's a donkey in the middle of the road. And it's staring at me, licking its lips. I get out to shoo it out of the way, only I have a pretty weird feeling at this point so I take my sword with me. I step outside, still in the pouring rain, and I take a step towards the donkey.
With my step forward there was an explosion of stench and a film of shimmering slime suddenly enveloped the donkey, and before my very own eyes the slime blobbed and warped and disappeared to reveal that the donkey had turned into a gorgeous woman wearing a leather pleated skirt and red lace blouse with her hair tied into a red ribbon. The transformation took about a second. The woman stared at me with malice and aggressively took a step toward me; I stepped back instinctively, with my sword down by my leg, and she pushed me back against the front of my Astrovan 4x4 with her body; baring her vampiric teeth she leaned forward and whispered into my ear, "we are the Weredonkey Covey of the Highlands, and you will give us back our Holy Thistle or else we'll make such passionate love to you for the next two weeks straight that you'll never be satisfied with another woman again."
With the thoughts of Hannah the Zkano Sock Model drifting through my mind, I took my sword and stabbed the vampire weredonkey through her side, and she sighed sensually and turned to mist, heee-haaaawing as she withdrew into the night.
Behind her were at least six other weredonkeys, and they bounded towards me with their hoofs and teeth and boobs and leather pleated skirts and I stabbed, and slashed, and slashed, stabbed, slashed, but they kept coming and kept coming...
The next thing I knew I woke up in a French convent wearing nothing but a pair of Zkano socks, no thistle, no sword and a tattoo of a donkey hoof on my thigh that glows and vibrates whenever I'm in proximity to a woman who is capable of true love and adoration.
1990 D-250 Regular Cab: Tweaked injection pump, built transmission, a cataclysmic charlie foxtrot of electronics, the most intense street-ran water injection system in the country, and some more unique stuff.